I have a confession to make….and when my husband reads this he may divorce me. Hell, my friends and my mother may even disown me. This has been weighing on my mind and I feel if I confess then maybe the allotted bad karma that could result from my actions may be deterred to some other unfortunate individual.
This is a secret I should probably take to me grave–but here goes. A few weeks ago I was at home and from my recollection I had a lot on my plate that day, which is par. I went upstairs to the bathroom because Sloane (my 3-year-old daughter) had to poo. So since she can’t manage to do it alone, I get the pleasure of accompanying her–I am officially her “poo partner.” I have to say there are times that it’s just down right funny, she makes some pretty funny expressions (and sounds) which kind of make up for the smell–and there are times it’s just down right messy. This particular instance was messy, diarrhea to be exact. (This blog is not for the weak-stomach type.)
So she was sitting on the potty with her underwear around her ankles, and she was so happy that she completed her mission that she kicked her foot into the air…and somehow her underwear flew up and landed behind her and into the toilet. She looked at me. I looked at her. What to do???
I asked her to get up so I could assess the situation. There they were, her Minnie Mouse undies covered in you-know-what. At that moment I had a few flashbacks…I thought about the time my sister was forced to eat pea soup by my mom. She was eight, I was six. She threw it up on the toilet and my grandmothers spoon (family heirloom) fell in and mom made her fish through the vomit with tongs to get it out.. I flashbacked to my wedding day when my basement flooded massively and we had to call rooter-router. They found a broken terra-cotta pipe where a bunch of tampons had gotten stuck and caused the back up. Mmmmm…
I looked back into the toilet with a complete brain fade. I couldn’t think of one thing I wanted to stick down there to pull those undies out. I could have used a chopstick, a tree branch, Davey’s comb….but I didn’t. Before I knew it my hand was on the handle faster than Bill Clinton could say, “Lewinsky me.” I saw the mouse ears go down as Sloane started screaming, “you flushed my favorite underwear!”
I stood there in disbelief; the horror, the idiocricy…I heard my mother’s voice, “Shannon, no you didn’t. I taught you better.” Yes, she did, OMG. I started asking myself questions like: Are those biodegradable? Was that illegal? Is Sloane going to tell on me?
I guess only time will tell if they come back to haunt me…Davey, sorry. Maybe one of the top ten dumbest things I ever did, but it was funny…I can’t quit laughing about it.