I’ve done it–you’ve probably done it. First Class prejudice. We all have it. (Or then again maybe it’s just me.) Judging the people on your flight. Each individual face you pass while walking to your seat becomes a story–a blip in your mind’s TV.
When I walked down the aisle of flight 1227 from Charlotte to LAX (So Cal) I had it even though I tried hard not to. Judge. Judge. Judge. Assign their place in life. Judge some more. I couldn’t stop. But then again, what else do you have to do while you are standing in line, awaiting the fate of who you will be glued to for the next five hours.
As I walked through the first class section the judgements were flying left and right. “Stop it!” I yelled at myself. No not out loud, for sure they would think I was crazy. Who earned these seats via miles? Did he pay for his seat? Did she? Oh, I bet she turned in her miles. Or maybe not–she’s carrying a Louis Vuitton bag, (although that could be a fake.) A fake first class ticket, to go with her fake LV. And that guy over there looks famous-ish–like I should know his name. Could be a big movie producer since we are on our way to the land of film and movie stars.
7D, that’s me. Not in first class, not in last class, but a new class–in the sort of snobby section, that I of course paid more for just to be not in the non-classed class. And for only an extra $29 bucks!
Soon after take off the man beside me started to snore. I thought about pulling a hair out of my head and sticking it up his nose, that would be funny. But only Ellen DeGeneres could pull that off. It may get me arrested. How can this man already be sleeping? We haven’t even taxied out to the runway yet?
6:35pm I just got kicked off my iPhone by a bitchy stewardess. Jezz, I wasn’t ignoring her, I just didn’t HEAR her (probably because I was on the phone!) The flight attendant announced, “We will NOT be taking off until ALL electronic devices are turned off!” Followed by an under the breath, “I don’t care if we ever take off, I don’t wanna go to Los Angeles anyway.” Then on her way up the aisle, “This plane is full of five-year-olds.”
“Hey, how about bringing the funny, comedian like flight attendant from Southwest airlines over here to give you a little lesson on customer service, and a sense of humor” I wanted to say, but I didn’t. This woman needed a new job and a fresh start: a hiatus. Something, because she obviously wasn’t happy being a day care provider on flight 1227. I wondered just how mad she would get when I snapped her picture with my iPhone to attach to this blog once we were in the air and able to pull out all electronic devices. Or maybe I’d get a really good one with my Macbook webcam. Or maybe I should just let it go.
7:00pm Oh no! Some guy two rows in front of me just coughed fifty times in a row and coughed up a nasty *@%!. I’m going to vomit (projectile) through the seats in front of me and down the back of his neck!
5 seconds later…Ok, I did it. He’s covered in my Starbucks, skinny, caramel, vanilla latte. What a waste of good coffee.
7:15 The man who I threw up on (not really) is coughing again, this time his face is buried in a USA Today. (At least he’s a smart cougher.) I need a face mask, remember those from the Swine Flu days?
7:25 I have cough drops, I should offer him some.
7:35 Gogo Wi-fi (inflight) activated! Now if I could just order some take out.
8:00 Man having coughing fit again; he may die mid-flight. I’m hoping for the best but thinking the worst, so I’m preparing his Eulogy (while sucking on a cough drop that I should’ve offered him. But I’m sure he’s packing some Halls, you just don’t leave home with a cold like that without them!)
9:10 PST The eagle has landed. The man has lived. I will survive. (Cough).